Guilt

by themuseherself

My mom sucks up a lot of my energy. Fear & anxiety. Guilt that I’m so far away.

I don’t know what I’ll do when she dies. I’ll be crushed. Lost. Gutted. I’ll probably never visit home again, unless her or Gram of  leave me property. What would be the point? I’ve nothing there BUT her. How will I survive without her? Even if she is not all there for me (with the damage chemo has done to her), she’s still THERE for me. How can I live my life without her? I just want to cry to think about it…so I try not to. It’s a horrible feeling. 

My mom is autistic. Trying to get her to try anything different for her cancer has been more of a challenge than it should have been. Fighting with her about simple dietary changes, like eating more raw fruits and veggies, would wipe me out for the day. Then, as soon as I got her convinced, my asshole family would come along and undo it all. 

Aspergers Syndrome is hard. Aspergers with a disease that has to be managed carefully…a fucking nightmare. She has managed to make everyone around her sick and tired and worn down too. I’d never tell her this. But, it’s true. 

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