It’s a terrible feeling when someone you love so much is hurting…and there isn’t FUCK ALL you can do about it. I know Mom is going to diet. We all do. But MOM doesn’t quite know that Mom is going to die…at least, until the doctor flat out told her yesterday. The pain in her chest is the cancer growing bigger and bigger. She needs to be on oxygen all the time. They are going to put her on morphine for “pain management”. These things pretty much signal the beginning of the end. I know this.
But I don’t think she did. Mom has Asperbergers. She has never really gotten the total meaning of what “terminal stage four cancer” truly means.
Now, she is just…gutted. Sad. Scared. Hopeless. Utterly panicked.
And even though I saw it coming, nothing prepares you for trying to help someone you love with all your heart come to terms with it. I can’t take the hurt away from her. I can’t take her pain away.
She says over and over again: “I’m not ready to go. I don’t want to leave yet.”
There is NOTHING I can do to help her situation, and this is quite literally killing me. I cry all the time. For her this time, as much as myself now.
I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to face a birthday where no one remembers to send me a card. I don’t want her to suffer any more. I don’t want her to be in pain, or scared.
I want her to have peace, and she simply cannot.